Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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