your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
