cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
