I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
