Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
