just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
