Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
