My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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