do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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