Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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