I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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