can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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