nut hugger
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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