There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
