Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How does one acquire holy water?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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