Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
