i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
