i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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