Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
