apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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