oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
