Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
