Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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