Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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