I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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