After last night, I could never be a politician.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
