mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
