I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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