I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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