I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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