the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
