I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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