I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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