you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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