The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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