If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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