I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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