The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
