i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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