Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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