Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
