Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
