Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
