Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
