John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
