then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
