Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
