Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
