just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
