drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
